Life Cycles

Life is one continuous circle; everything repeats itself over time. I find myself in similar situations but in a new, exciting way. Each time I try to solve them differently and each time fails some way or another. I sink myself to the bottom so that nothing is left to hurt me, nothing could make things worse but what good is that really? I can stop my own life and try and figure things out, make a barrier for myself and let no one in. But life is ongoing; it continues to move and flow no matter what I do and I realize this. 

A bit over a year ago, someone very close in my life one day decided to leave me and cut me out of their life completely. He was my best friend, like a brother to me. I really cared for him and still do to this day although I haven't spoken to him in a year.  We were always there for each other no matter what. If I needed help in my life, he was always there for me and I was there in times he needed someone. My family isn't very close to me in that way. They don't listen to me or confide in me and when I try and be close they end up ridiculing my life and who I am. He was my family to me, he loved me unconditionally and was there for me always. He wasn't like my real family, of course, but what I believed a family should be like. 

Then one day, I remember it quite clearly, it was on Valentines day of last year. I was at the lowest point of my life so far and a real mess. He said to me that he didn't think it was a good idea to talk to me anymore or spend time with me. He wanted to part from me and be on his own and live his life without me in it. It was heartbreaking for me. Like I was some curse set upon him that was always there and growing and he needed to be free of me. His life would be better without me in it and I really believed that. I thought about it for days and weeks and as the time went by and the more I thought, the more I believed it was true. The more I believed life would be better without me. I was a burden to my family, a burden to my friends; what use was I? If they could be free of me and cut me out of their lives for good I could let them live a happier life. 

At this point I became suicidal. I was terrified and I knew with my condition, I'd do it too. I gathered up anything sharp in my room, my pills, anything at all I could think to use and gave them to my brother and made him swear not to give them back to me. Although I still believed that I could better peoples' lives by cutting me out of them, I didn't want it to come to that. I wanted to change myself and be better, give them a reason to want me in their lives and to live less selfishly. So every day I would stop feeling sorry for myself a little more, every day I would help out my family at home a little more, I got a job and very slowly started to earn back my trust from others. 

Trust is something that you can loose in a matter of seconds but it can take years to gain back, possibly never. It's a year later, I've accomplished a lot, made a lot of positive changes in my life, made many new friends, started youtube and making videos, gained a lot of self-confidence and have someone very special in my life that I think will be here for a while. Life was good, it was great even. I finished school and was really proud of what I had accomplished and what had changed in the past year. 

But then, I reached the end of the cycle and it happened again. I lost someone, again. This time, they didn't even have the decency to tell me why. They just left and cut me out of their life completely. I wasn't nearly as close to them as I was with the last because I hadn't known them for as long but they had a special place in my life and in my heart that is now empty. They were a good friend to me and I felt a special connection with us I didn't get with anyone else. I still don't know why they decided to do this but I really wish I did. It's been a little over 2 weeks now since they last spoke to me and it's honestly been very hard and heartbreaking for me. Don't worry, I'm not going to try and kill myself; I'm better than that now. I'm trying my very best to just live with it and move on because if they feel they need to cut me out of their lives completely they shouldn't be worth my time either, right? I wish it were that simple. 

I won't mention names for privacy reasons but if they happen to read this, they know who they are. And if you do know it's you, this part is written to you and I want you to know this: 

I'm sure you don't see it this way but I see you as a great person, honestly. At first I saw you as a very nice, fun and care-free person but after talking to you more and getting to know you better I saw that was just an exterior. You aren't one to talk about your problems, that's for sure but you damn well better know I'd listen if you did. I really wish you would. You always look so happy and sweet but I always saw this sadness in your eyes. A loneliness that never seemed to fade. It really made me sad sometimes but I knew I couldn't force you to talk about anything and I wouldn't. But I hoped that one day you'd find it in you to trust me and open up. If you think I talked to you because I wanted something from you like a smile, a laugh, to cheer me up, you're very wrong. If you think that than I'm actually very disappointed. I talked to you for you. I liked who you are and I wanted to learn more and know you more. Even if it was a 'bad' quality that I learned, I still accepted it and it made you who you are. That's what I like most about you, is you. I just wish you saw that or saw the same in me. Even now I still like and accept who you are through all this. It's hurt me more than you know but I'll take it and I'll accept it because you have to go through these things for someone you care about. I want you to know that I'm still here, even if you don't want me anymore and I like you for who you are no matter what. I really miss you.