Goodbye and Goodnight

This is something that I would normally never, ever do. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm even doing this but it was more of one of those spontanious decisions that you just go and do because you feel at the time you are meant to do it. For once, since I can even remember, I am caring about myself. I mean, I've cared about myself before but it's 100% with this one and I will not stop myself or hold back because of anyone else's feelings. I'm going to get this all out right now thinking of myself and only myself and leaving it for anyone and everyone to see. I'm not sure why you would care anyway but if you do, here it goes. I am so incredibly tired of caring about people who couldn't give two shits about me before themselves. I'm not saying they don't care about me at all but I mean in the way that I come first before themselves. They think about my feelings before theirs and are genuinely considerate and care about me truly. To be honest, I only knew one person in the whole world who I really thought that was true about and that was Nico. He always put me first in his life and in his heart. He made sure I was alright if I seemed upset, if I was crying he would do anything to make me stop and fix things, he would do anything to make me smile and make sure I'm safe and happy no matter how he felt. I truly did not think this was possible for anyone in the world. People are selfish inside, everyone is, but Nico could have fooled me. I really believed that he cared so genuinely about me in this way. It was amazing, it was something I had never had or felt before. I did this for other people out of habit, not always 100% but mostly. For him though, it really was 100% and I believe still is, until now. Now is my time to care only about myself for a moment then go back to normal. I hope you understand this Nico but I just really need to do this. This week has been insanity for me. It's been one of the best and worst weeks of my life all mashed into one. Every day, literally, I have both been in tears and as happy as can be. My relationship seems to have become very bipolar and confused. It's really been worrying me. I really do truly love him and I see him as the one I can spend the rest of my life with but there is this little thought inside the back of my brain where I hide it and it says, "Is it all really worth it?" This is probably the scariest, most deadly thing I have ever faced. It's true, he makes me happier than anyone else in this world and I never want to give him up but I can't help but think at times if all the tears and pain are worth it. Normally I just assure myself that this is love and with love comes awful, horrible pain and suffering and that will keep me going until the next time. We always work it out in the end anyway and resolve our problems but... does that make it okay? Then there was tonight; this one was different. Earlier in an argument he had told me I needed to care about myself more so I did. I thought about what all was happening and how it made me feel and how I was reacting to things and I realized that he wasn't being very fair to me at all. Things had changed. He no longer dropped everything when I was crying, he just carried on with what was happening. Was it because he expected it? Maybe he really just didn't care anymore. And the more and more I thought, I came to an ugly realization: I was no longer the first in his heart anymore - he was. I was a close second, I'm sure, but that isn't the point. He was still the first in mine, I had been doing all I can to try and make him feel better than resolve things and then there was me, being pushed aside. It felt really awful... like there was this empty hole in his heart where I used to fill it but he patched it back on his own and I wasn't needed there anymore. In one last attempt at proving this theory, I told him that it was late and I was upset and just couldn't deal with this anymore and wanted to go and sleep. Knowing him, or at least his old self, he wouldn't care how tired I was or what I had to get up for but he'd make sure of it that I would never leave upset. He'd stay all night to dry my tears and patch me back up again. But this time, it was different. This time he said, "If you want to." I could practically hear my heart start a little crack through it. I told him that he knew I'd always stay with him if he needed me or wanted me he just had to say the word and I'd stay up all night with him if he needed me because he comes first. He replied with, "It's fine. Just go." The small crack just grew bigger and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my chest and cut me like a knife. Warm, fresh tears welled up in my eyes and stung them before falling down my cheeks. It wasn't the type where they trickle down slowly but the kind where they just fall off your face so heavily you hear them hit the ground beneath. Suddenly it seemed like everything grew quiet except for the sounds of my tears plopping down on the pillow, my breath shallow and staggered and my heart beat through my chest and practically pound in my ear drums. I sat for a moment and just left without saying goodbye. I lay down and closed my eyes, tears still streaming down my face and all I could think was, "I've been replaced... he replaced me with himself." I was thinking of all the things I should do. I remembered all of my past relationships and knew that this is the point where nothing truly gets better no matter how hard we try and work on it. Would I have to give him up? Would I have to break up with him? As much as I wanted to try, I knew that it would never work - it never did. I couldn't loose Nico, not him. I just couldn't. Then I got a mass of about 6 or more SMS texts on my phone from his IM. "Maybe he did care," I thought. But this was a time for me. This was one time where I need to put myself first and think about what I want and what is best for me. My first instinct was to ignore him and be the stronger woman. I couldn't do that though, so I replied but I never apologized to anything. I just let him do all the talking. It turned out he was worried about me, he was confused and apparently had thought that I really wanted to leave even though I made it so obvious I just wanted him to tell me to stay. But he wanted to know what was wrong and was worried. The normal Gwyn in me said to just talk with him, things will sort out like always so just tell him how you truly feel. But the Gwyn in me that was caring about myself was saying don't do it, how do you know this won't happen again! You've given too many chances to him, just leave him and in the end you'll be happier! I went against my selfish side and told him that I needed to do something first for myself and then I would come talk to him and explain everything. I didn't say what it was I had to do but assured him I wasn't going to harm myself or do anything stupid. Just something I needed to do. He said alright but I could tell he was still uneasy about it, but he trusted me and let me go. So that's where I am now - writing this. I'm not sure why you're still reading this as it has nothing to do with you, unless you're Nico but I guess it had somehow interested you enough to keep going. For that, I have to thank you. Anyway, on to the moral ending... "Goodbye and Goodnight" is my title for this piece and I'm sure it's not what it had appeared to be to you at first. A lot of you probably saw my depressing MySpace status if you're reading this in my bulletin and thought I was going to make a suicide attempt or something but that is far from the truth. The title is addressing my selfish side. The side I thought I needed to embrace for a change. The side who thought of my needs and only my needs. It was short lived but I must say goodbye to it. I've decided for myself that caring about myself isn't putting myself and my needs first above others like I'd do for them. It's about putting them first but also taking into consideration my own and more so letting them know what they are as well. It's about caring about others but also about myself without being selfish. This may seem obvious to most of you but to me, it's something that I've yet to truly learn and understand until this moment exactly. So if you're still here and read everything up until now, kudos to you. Thank you for sharing this moment with me and letting me be selfish for just a little while. I hope I didn't offend anyone but if I did, I didn't care at the time I wrote it. I just wrote it because it's how I felt at the time and didn't care who knew it. But now, I'm sorry if it did. Anyway, thank you. This has helped me in more ways than you could realize.

Inspiration

Hello, hello, my loves :) 

It's now nine in the morning and  haven't slept at all last night. Yesterday was a very rough, terrible day but not all bad. It certainly had its ups and downs though. I just read through every blog post I've made so far out loud and I gotta say, I'm a little impressed with myself! Someone wrote to me in a comment on my blog from yesterday that they thought I was a good writer and I was like 'what the fuck?' Haha, but honestly! I think I'm actually not half bad. 

So right now I have about 45 minutes until I need to get up off my ass and shower to get ready for my belated mother's day lunch with my mum, aunt and grandma; I chose to write another new blog. After reading all those old posts it seems I've got my inspiration back and ready to write! HUZZAH! 

I was up til about three this morning with Nico, we talked all day. Most of it wasn't good things but in the end, as always, we ended up full of smiles and laughs. I finally convinced him to get to bed at three though which was good. I, on the other hand stayed up til, well, now. I DID try to sleep, I swear! I tried for a whole hour and no luck. So what did I do? I watched all of season one of Skins. Hahahaha! 

It was amazing, I'm totally addicted now! Fuck, I think I may have fallen in love with Mike Bailey, he plays Sid on Skins. I hope Nico won't mind if I leave him for Mike but god... I can't help myself! He's a fucking dumbass but sweet as hell on the inside and god he's a cute one! I can't help it, I love the nerds! 

Hahaha, anyways I thought I'd just share that with you before I go make a massive breakfast so I don't die in the shower this morning. I was thinking about reading my last blog out loud in a video for my youtube but I'm not sure if I should really do it. If you guys saw Meghan's video last week for VlogCandy then you'd understand why but she gave me some big inspiration to share something like that in my life. But at the same time I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get attention or pity. I just think it's a really good blog and I want to share it. Also I want my subscribers to read my blogs but I don't want to just say 'read my blogs!' because I know most of them just won't. I need to give them a reason to and something to make them want to, not just because I told them to. 

So let me know what you think about this! I'm still really iffy about it... but I think I'll try and post links to my blog on my Facebook or something today to get at least someone reading these damn things. 

Love you all!

xoxo

Life Cycles

Life is one continuous circle; everything repeats itself over time. I find myself in similar situations but in a new, exciting way. Each time I try to solve them differently and each time fails some way or another. I sink myself to the bottom so that nothing is left to hurt me, nothing could make things worse but what good is that really? I can stop my own life and try and figure things out, make a barrier for myself and let no one in. But life is ongoing; it continues to move and flow no matter what I do and I realize this. 

A bit over a year ago, someone very close in my life one day decided to leave me and cut me out of their life completely. He was my best friend, like a brother to me. I really cared for him and still do to this day although I haven't spoken to him in a year.  We were always there for each other no matter what. If I needed help in my life, he was always there for me and I was there in times he needed someone. My family isn't very close to me in that way. They don't listen to me or confide in me and when I try and be close they end up ridiculing my life and who I am. He was my family to me, he loved me unconditionally and was there for me always. He wasn't like my real family, of course, but what I believed a family should be like. 

Then one day, I remember it quite clearly, it was on Valentines day of last year. I was at the lowest point of my life so far and a real mess. He said to me that he didn't think it was a good idea to talk to me anymore or spend time with me. He wanted to part from me and be on his own and live his life without me in it. It was heartbreaking for me. Like I was some curse set upon him that was always there and growing and he needed to be free of me. His life would be better without me in it and I really believed that. I thought about it for days and weeks and as the time went by and the more I thought, the more I believed it was true. The more I believed life would be better without me. I was a burden to my family, a burden to my friends; what use was I? If they could be free of me and cut me out of their lives for good I could let them live a happier life. 

At this point I became suicidal. I was terrified and I knew with my condition, I'd do it too. I gathered up anything sharp in my room, my pills, anything at all I could think to use and gave them to my brother and made him swear not to give them back to me. Although I still believed that I could better peoples' lives by cutting me out of them, I didn't want it to come to that. I wanted to change myself and be better, give them a reason to want me in their lives and to live less selfishly. So every day I would stop feeling sorry for myself a little more, every day I would help out my family at home a little more, I got a job and very slowly started to earn back my trust from others. 

Trust is something that you can loose in a matter of seconds but it can take years to gain back, possibly never. It's a year later, I've accomplished a lot, made a lot of positive changes in my life, made many new friends, started youtube and making videos, gained a lot of self-confidence and have someone very special in my life that I think will be here for a while. Life was good, it was great even. I finished school and was really proud of what I had accomplished and what had changed in the past year. 

But then, I reached the end of the cycle and it happened again. I lost someone, again. This time, they didn't even have the decency to tell me why. They just left and cut me out of their life completely. I wasn't nearly as close to them as I was with the last because I hadn't known them for as long but they had a special place in my life and in my heart that is now empty. They were a good friend to me and I felt a special connection with us I didn't get with anyone else. I still don't know why they decided to do this but I really wish I did. It's been a little over 2 weeks now since they last spoke to me and it's honestly been very hard and heartbreaking for me. Don't worry, I'm not going to try and kill myself; I'm better than that now. I'm trying my very best to just live with it and move on because if they feel they need to cut me out of their lives completely they shouldn't be worth my time either, right? I wish it were that simple. 

I won't mention names for privacy reasons but if they happen to read this, they know who they are. And if you do know it's you, this part is written to you and I want you to know this: 

I'm sure you don't see it this way but I see you as a great person, honestly. At first I saw you as a very nice, fun and care-free person but after talking to you more and getting to know you better I saw that was just an exterior. You aren't one to talk about your problems, that's for sure but you damn well better know I'd listen if you did. I really wish you would. You always look so happy and sweet but I always saw this sadness in your eyes. A loneliness that never seemed to fade. It really made me sad sometimes but I knew I couldn't force you to talk about anything and I wouldn't. But I hoped that one day you'd find it in you to trust me and open up. If you think I talked to you because I wanted something from you like a smile, a laugh, to cheer me up, you're very wrong. If you think that than I'm actually very disappointed. I talked to you for you. I liked who you are and I wanted to learn more and know you more. Even if it was a 'bad' quality that I learned, I still accepted it and it made you who you are. That's what I like most about you, is you. I just wish you saw that or saw the same in me. Even now I still like and accept who you are through all this. It's hurt me more than you know but I'll take it and I'll accept it because you have to go through these things for someone you care about. I want you to know that I'm still here, even if you don't want me anymore and I like you for who you are no matter what. I really miss you.