Goodbye and Goodnight

This is something that I would normally never, ever do. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm even doing this but it was more of one of those spontanious decisions that you just go and do because you feel at the time you are meant to do it. For once, since I can even remember, I am caring about myself. I mean, I've cared about myself before but it's 100% with this one and I will not stop myself or hold back because of anyone else's feelings. I'm going to get this all out right now thinking of myself and only myself and leaving it for anyone and everyone to see. I'm not sure why you would care anyway but if you do, here it goes. I am so incredibly tired of caring about people who couldn't give two shits about me before themselves. I'm not saying they don't care about me at all but I mean in the way that I come first before themselves. They think about my feelings before theirs and are genuinely considerate and care about me truly. To be honest, I only knew one person in the whole world who I really thought that was true about and that was Nico. He always put me first in his life and in his heart. He made sure I was alright if I seemed upset, if I was crying he would do anything to make me stop and fix things, he would do anything to make me smile and make sure I'm safe and happy no matter how he felt. I truly did not think this was possible for anyone in the world. People are selfish inside, everyone is, but Nico could have fooled me. I really believed that he cared so genuinely about me in this way. It was amazing, it was something I had never had or felt before. I did this for other people out of habit, not always 100% but mostly. For him though, it really was 100% and I believe still is, until now. Now is my time to care only about myself for a moment then go back to normal. I hope you understand this Nico but I just really need to do this. This week has been insanity for me. It's been one of the best and worst weeks of my life all mashed into one. Every day, literally, I have both been in tears and as happy as can be. My relationship seems to have become very bipolar and confused. It's really been worrying me. I really do truly love him and I see him as the one I can spend the rest of my life with but there is this little thought inside the back of my brain where I hide it and it says, "Is it all really worth it?" This is probably the scariest, most deadly thing I have ever faced. It's true, he makes me happier than anyone else in this world and I never want to give him up but I can't help but think at times if all the tears and pain are worth it. Normally I just assure myself that this is love and with love comes awful, horrible pain and suffering and that will keep me going until the next time. We always work it out in the end anyway and resolve our problems but... does that make it okay? Then there was tonight; this one was different. Earlier in an argument he had told me I needed to care about myself more so I did. I thought about what all was happening and how it made me feel and how I was reacting to things and I realized that he wasn't being very fair to me at all. Things had changed. He no longer dropped everything when I was crying, he just carried on with what was happening. Was it because he expected it? Maybe he really just didn't care anymore. And the more and more I thought, I came to an ugly realization: I was no longer the first in his heart anymore - he was. I was a close second, I'm sure, but that isn't the point. He was still the first in mine, I had been doing all I can to try and make him feel better than resolve things and then there was me, being pushed aside. It felt really awful... like there was this empty hole in his heart where I used to fill it but he patched it back on his own and I wasn't needed there anymore. In one last attempt at proving this theory, I told him that it was late and I was upset and just couldn't deal with this anymore and wanted to go and sleep. Knowing him, or at least his old self, he wouldn't care how tired I was or what I had to get up for but he'd make sure of it that I would never leave upset. He'd stay all night to dry my tears and patch me back up again. But this time, it was different. This time he said, "If you want to." I could practically hear my heart start a little crack through it. I told him that he knew I'd always stay with him if he needed me or wanted me he just had to say the word and I'd stay up all night with him if he needed me because he comes first. He replied with, "It's fine. Just go." The small crack just grew bigger and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my chest and cut me like a knife. Warm, fresh tears welled up in my eyes and stung them before falling down my cheeks. It wasn't the type where they trickle down slowly but the kind where they just fall off your face so heavily you hear them hit the ground beneath. Suddenly it seemed like everything grew quiet except for the sounds of my tears plopping down on the pillow, my breath shallow and staggered and my heart beat through my chest and practically pound in my ear drums. I sat for a moment and just left without saying goodbye. I lay down and closed my eyes, tears still streaming down my face and all I could think was, "I've been replaced... he replaced me with himself." I was thinking of all the things I should do. I remembered all of my past relationships and knew that this is the point where nothing truly gets better no matter how hard we try and work on it. Would I have to give him up? Would I have to break up with him? As much as I wanted to try, I knew that it would never work - it never did. I couldn't loose Nico, not him. I just couldn't. Then I got a mass of about 6 or more SMS texts on my phone from his IM. "Maybe he did care," I thought. But this was a time for me. This was one time where I need to put myself first and think about what I want and what is best for me. My first instinct was to ignore him and be the stronger woman. I couldn't do that though, so I replied but I never apologized to anything. I just let him do all the talking. It turned out he was worried about me, he was confused and apparently had thought that I really wanted to leave even though I made it so obvious I just wanted him to tell me to stay. But he wanted to know what was wrong and was worried. The normal Gwyn in me said to just talk with him, things will sort out like always so just tell him how you truly feel. But the Gwyn in me that was caring about myself was saying don't do it, how do you know this won't happen again! You've given too many chances to him, just leave him and in the end you'll be happier! I went against my selfish side and told him that I needed to do something first for myself and then I would come talk to him and explain everything. I didn't say what it was I had to do but assured him I wasn't going to harm myself or do anything stupid. Just something I needed to do. He said alright but I could tell he was still uneasy about it, but he trusted me and let me go. So that's where I am now - writing this. I'm not sure why you're still reading this as it has nothing to do with you, unless you're Nico but I guess it had somehow interested you enough to keep going. For that, I have to thank you. Anyway, on to the moral ending... "Goodbye and Goodnight" is my title for this piece and I'm sure it's not what it had appeared to be to you at first. A lot of you probably saw my depressing MySpace status if you're reading this in my bulletin and thought I was going to make a suicide attempt or something but that is far from the truth. The title is addressing my selfish side. The side I thought I needed to embrace for a change. The side who thought of my needs and only my needs. It was short lived but I must say goodbye to it. I've decided for myself that caring about myself isn't putting myself and my needs first above others like I'd do for them. It's about putting them first but also taking into consideration my own and more so letting them know what they are as well. It's about caring about others but also about myself without being selfish. This may seem obvious to most of you but to me, it's something that I've yet to truly learn and understand until this moment exactly. So if you're still here and read everything up until now, kudos to you. Thank you for sharing this moment with me and letting me be selfish for just a little while. I hope I didn't offend anyone but if I did, I didn't care at the time I wrote it. I just wrote it because it's how I felt at the time and didn't care who knew it. But now, I'm sorry if it did. Anyway, thank you. This has helped me in more ways than you could realize.